Kurniady’s Blog

Have you ever felt "lost" in your life? That kind of "lost" when you don’t know where to go, what to do, or even where you are.

Currently I am somehow in the state of being "lost". There are many things that I don’t exactly know how to deal with, such as about the future or even about the relationship matters. Being "lost" is obviously not a right state to be in, and in my case, it significantly degenerate my efficiency in working and solving other things.

Few years ago, when I’m about to enter a university, the choices are not that many. I was choosing between continuing my study in Singapore or in Jakarta. Having predetermined about my interests, choosing a major to pursue was not a problem. The choice came out naturally based on some circumstances and I ended up continuing my study in Bina Nusantara International, without even giving a lot of thoughts on it.

But now, the conditions are different. There are more choices ahead and I have no idea which option is better than which. I have a year to decide, but that wouldn’t be easy for sure. When I finally decided about my future, I think I should be able to draw some rough roadmap about my future completely (for some of you who thinks I have such a roadmap written or drawn already: no, I don’t have it yet, but I certainly will make one). I know that I want to be successful in the future, and since it’s so important, naturally I am very motivated to be successful. The problem is that being motivated does not make the options clearer or easier, I still have to make that decision.

The case can actually be generalized to the case when you want to achieve something. Imagine you have a goal to achieve. Sometimes, you are very determined to reach that goal, but you simply don’t know how. That is not a pleasant situation to be in, because if you’re in there for too long, you’ll start blaming yourself on not doing the right thing to achieve your goal, or simply on not trying hard enough.

Well currently my only solution is keep trying and be patient, and also somehow believing that sometimes I can only wait for the solution to come naturally. However, I still believe that the awareness of being lost (such as me writing this post) is a part of the solution.

What do you think?

-Kurniady

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For people who know me, they probably also know that one of my hobby is Photography. For most of big events that I attended, or while traveling outside Jakarta, I always bring my camera along with its accessories. Sometimes I bring a small shoulder bag, sometimes I bring a big backpack for it. Thus, this blog post will explain about me and photography, how I started and where I am right now in photography.

The hobby actually started sometimes while I was in elementary school, as I was always interested in taking photos as well as bringing a camera with my - my dad’s camera, which is a simple pocket 35mm film camera made by Canon with a fixed lens (without zoom). That camera has already ended it’s career as of now (I think it was borrowed by someone and never got returned). I used that camera for some years, during the junior high years when I had a couple of camping (a school’s event) in the mountainous area of Sukabumi, and I started to like taking pictures (really like the sound of the shutter plus the film advancing - quite missing that sound now as I now shoot with digital). However, at those period I am not even an amateur photographer, I just enjoy taking pictures. I had no idea about shutter, diaphragm, or even zooming.

I started becoming more serious about photography about one year after I entered high school. It was the time when I am about to attend the National Science Olympic (Olimpiade Sains Nasional - OSN) of 2003, that my dad bought me a Nikon CoolPix 5700 digital camera (I bought a 512mb CompactFlash card - which still works today to replace the included tiny 32mb card), which was the most advanced prosumer non-DSLR digital camera available at that time. The Nikon D100 digital camera or the Canon 10D was quite too expensive at that time. With this CoolPix 5700 camera, I took about at least 5000 photos, including some trips to other cities, a trip to India (New Delhi and Taj Mahal), as well as some event documentation (I also bought a used Nikon SB25 Speedlight to shoot the indoor events - the flash still works well today with my new camera). Sometimes along the way, I also bought an extension tube and a couple of filters (linear polarizer and UV, I guess).

About a month before departure to Athens for my first International Olympiad in Informatics, my dad upgraded my camera into my first DSLR camera, the Nikon D70. It was newly introduced and was the first DSLR to be affordable to me, along with it’s excellent 18-70mm kit lens which I still use today most of the time. Currently, this camera has taken 18.907 shots (which means around 5000 photos a year), and still works (although it’s mirror or shutter sometimes caused a black shadow in half of the image during long exposures). I have bought two additional lenses for it : a Sigma 70-300mm tele zoom which also does macro (it’s actually very nice to take candid pictures from afar), and a Nikon 50mm F/1.8 with it’s excellent sharpness and great low light performance. Currently, I am thinking of having another lens to cover the wide angle which is useful for landscape and indoor shooting.

Well, enough with the technical parts, now I would like to reflect a little bit about my photos. Actually, out of these 23000photos, I have to admit that I have less than 100 photos that I really like (those kind of photo that I would like to print out in large enlargement and put it in a frame if I have a space to hang it). Out of that, there are about only less than 10 photos that really touches my by heart, those kind of photos that will bring me back to the time I took it and really feels that it is "live" and will not be forgotten (by me) until several years to come. Just a few days ago, I luckily made a couple of this kind of photo and I finally realized something.

Out of these years of me doing photography, I actually tried to "freeze" all the moments I went through and hoping that viewing the pictures will bring me back to that point when I want it. It turns out that this is not the case : however good the picture is, it will never resembles the true moment, just part of it. The true moment itself however, may live in my heart as a great experience. Therefore, from now on, I will try not to pointlessly click the shutter just to attempt to freeze the moment. There are times when the moment should be felt with the heart instead of being frozen (which may cause it to partly loose it’s meaning). Sometimes, taking to many pictures makes me forget to enjoy the moments, an experience that may not be happening again in the future.

Then, I also realized that the tendency to "shoot everything, pick later" is basically an effect of fear of letting the great moments pass by. You may have already experienced the times when you feel really really happy, and you really don’t want the happiness to go away when the event ends. Taking a lot of pictures does not solve that, it is just a weak relief out of that situation. Having thought of this, I think my life is too inclined to events, instead of routines. Bringing those kind of happiness into daily life is probably the real solution. Thus, take the documentation as only "souvenirs from the past" instead of something to look into when you miss some part of your life.

Photography may have changed my life, but at least it made me realized something, and that is all worthed.

As always, I welcome any comments you may have and thanks for reading.

-Kurniady

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After quite a very long time, a few days ago I got a flu - a serious one that forces me to skip a class and took a day off to recover. But then, it gives me a lot of time to think, something that rarely happen lately, as my mind is always full with projects and other stuffs (which may or may not - usually not - important). After a while, I found a time that I don’t have to do anything, just sit down, rest, and probably think. That feeling of peace really do have a good effect on my health, as I already mostly recovered on the next day to deliver a final presentation on the Software Engineering course.

So, now, after the Software Engineering course is over (well, 98% over, actually, as we still have to submit the client acceptance statement and also probably a paper), I only have one project left, the Enterprise Application which is due next week on Wednesday. That means, now I have more time to think and relax.

Well, what have I been thinking? Well, actually I felt that lately I changed a lot. I am now more realistic to life, but unfortunately have partly lost my motivation on achieving the best out of myself. Lately, I have become more lazy and less disciplined. For the last couple of years, I always wandered why my results are not as good as before, although I did succeed in several things as well. Now I know why : I did not try hard and smart enough like before. I wasted a lot of time and somehow lost my interest in learning and also lost my persistence in learning things. I gave up more easily now, and that explains why I did not reach the top most of the time.

So, I think it’s the time for me to change. It’s time to go forward instead of living in the success of the past. It’s time to break the limits again. It’s time to go out of my comfort zone and take the new challenges. It’s time to determine my future. Wish me luck!

-Kurniady

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